The Great Sport Relief Bake Off – BBC2, Ep1

Paul and Mary

Who thought that watching scones rise in an oven would make gripping, must-see telly? But that’s exactly what BBC’s The Great British Bake Off has become over its two series, spawning amateur bakers up and down the country to bosh out a bun, finger a flan, or crack off a croquembouche. I know it’s obvious from the title of the programme, but there’s just something comfortingly British about it – and a format that is becoming increasingly popular in offices and social clubs, uniting strangers and friends alike under the universal banner of baking. And eating.

So it was a welcome return of Paul Hollywood and Queen Mary Berry to our screens last night in The Great Sport Relief Bake Off – except, in a way, it wasn’t. Firstly it was a celebrity spin-off, a concept that normally fills me with dread and thoughts of “who the fuck is that?” (I recognised just one of the four “celebs” on show one, the delightful Angela Griffin). I just don’t see the point of this style of programme – the celebs are invariably nowhere near as good as the amateurs (as it proved last night), and like I just said, their celeb status is somewhat questionable. The end result is basically some people no one knows being a bit shit. Not good telly. Robert De Niro getting chastised by Paul and Mary for presenting a dry meringue? Good telly.

My other problem with the show – and hear me out – was its Sport Relief tie-in. Eddie Izzard running 43 marathons in 51 days? Staggering. David Walliams swimming the Channel or the Thames? Inspirational stuff. A load of z-lists stuffing their faces with cake? Er, what? Apart from it being a competition, where’s the sport element? Yes, cake sales are great fun and raise tonnes of cash, but this is the equivalent of Lenny Henry introducing Schindler’s List on Comic Relief night. Oh well, if it encourages more people to get into the kitchen then maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

What is a bad thing, however, is Asian-style spiced prawns served in a meringue nest – a truly bonkers concoction made by one of the celebs, some bloke, James Wong, who apparently presents a programme called Grow Your Own Drugs. Maybe he’d had a particularly good crop last year if he thought this culinary kamikaze of a dish would work.

Mary looked horrified at the combination, explaining that the meringue should be a dessert. Wong, rather smugly, explained that he had researched the meaning of “dessert” and it meant a dish to end a meal, with no mention of it having to be sweet. Mary stared, before dryly replying: “You have done your research.” We all know that what she really meant to say was: “COCK!”

Hey, it’s true what they say after all – two Wongs don’t make a right.